Excerpt of the Week
“My shame and my drug use ran along parallel lines until they eventually merged and became one. I drank because I was ashamed, and I was ashamed because I drank. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I’m not sure I will ever know the answer to that question, but at some point “want” became “need” and I drank and used not to feel better but to feel normal. It wasn’t just about lack of self-esteem, childhood trauma, right and wrong, or making good choices -- something deeper and more insidious than feeling bad about myself was going on. I needed to get high and that need became so deep and strong that I was powerless before it. When want became need – and, truthfully, that transformation is only clear to me in retrospect -- the nature of my problem changed from using too much and too often to not being able to stop using. From the outside, I still looked like a healthy, balanced, ethical young man. On the inside, however, I was raging against everything and everyone, especially myself. I didn’t understand what was happening to me and because no one else could see it or name it for what it was, I was left alone with my tormented self. All my energy became focused on one goal – to keep the inside from showing on the outside, to hide the truth of my misery and my shame from others and even from myself.”
From Chapter 5, “Free Fall”